I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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