I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
