she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
