My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize