That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
