Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
