Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
