Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
