I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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