yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
