Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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