i will never coherently bang her
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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