blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Damn victory sex feels great
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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