at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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