Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
