Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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