I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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