New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
