i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
