I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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