how can u be prego again
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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