Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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