good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
