so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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