he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
