Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
