So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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