This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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