I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
