His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
