1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
