I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
