normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
