So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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