dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
