so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
