i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
