no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Do vagina's smell?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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