I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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