Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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