Your face is a jimmy john
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
