Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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