You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
