im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
