I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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