hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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