remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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