Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
