i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
