I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
