My room smells like vodka and shame
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
