wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
