did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
