bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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