thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize