How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
