1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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