He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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