I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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