I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
