I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I need moral support for this bender
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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